Life: 20's edition

Life gives you a lot of chances to screw up, which means you have as many chances to get it right. 

Pick a path, change course. Pick another path, change course again. This defines my 20's. 

Law school. My dream. My goal. My path. Till it wasn't. 

I would love to say that I found another passion, a calling that I couldn't refuse, but I cannot. I found a boy. Suddenly his dreams and wishes became mine, and my dreams were left behind in the dust. His thoughts and words became my own, he had swallowed me whole. There was no coming back. 

We know how this story ends. No need to rehash the past mistakes. 

Columbus. New dreams. New goals. New path. 

Columbus was good to me and introduced different dreams, different goals, and a different path. Being in a college town was complicated though. I wanted to meet people in my age group but had nothing in common with them now. Divorced early 20-something, not in school, and working full-time - it was a different world. 

Before I knew it, a year had passed. A little worn, a little smarter, and a little hardened I felt prepared to face the world again. Not completely healed, that would take years, but ready to face a new challenge. 

I enrolled back in school. Moved back into the dorms, coming from an apartment that was a major adjustment. But I did it. Contrary to popular belief, I came back to school to finish the path I had started years ago. 

Education. Fresh dreams. Fresh goals, Fresh path. 

Challenging because of my age and life experience but those things made me wiser and more determined than ever. 

 The 20's end well. I graduated and went onto grad school and graduated from there as well. I turned a corner from that girl sitting in her therapist's office asking "How can I start over?" to sitting in a new therapist's office saying "I survived." 

Breaking Free

I've been thinking a lot about the past and how my past has shaped me into who I am today. One of those shaping moments was my marriage. 

Thinking about my ex-husband used to fill me with fear and I would be sick to my stomach but now, it feels like relief. Relief that I made it through and relief that I can sit here and tell this story. Even my own mother never knew how bad it truly got, I regret not telling her the complete truth. 

Part of me held back because I didn't want her to worry, and if you knew my mom - she was a worrier, and part because I couldn't stand to face the mistake I had made. 

So for this post, I want to discuss my last therapy session I had while I was still married. This was the starting point of the breaking free. 

 “You need to leave. You need to leave it all behind” My former therapist said those parting words to me. 

I was unconvinced. Leaving meant conceding, losing, letting the abuse win. He couldn’t have my city. I wouldn’t let him. I’d already given him so much. 

But was this the fight I wanted? What was left for me once everything was boxed and taped shut? What if I picked a different fight? 

What if this time I chose myself going forward? 

“I’m afraid if I stay,” I said, “that I’ll see him everywhere. We know the same people. Everyone knows us as a couple. I’m going to go out to eat, and people are going to ask me how he’s doing. What am I supposed to say? They’re going to ask me what happened.” I paused, trying to breathe deeper. “I don’t know what do to.” 

In that brief moment with thoughts swirling, rage building, and my therapist listening, my mind jumped to the bit of truth I could cling to: He didn’t kill me. 

Even though filing for divorce felt like sure death, it wasn’t. And that was something. 

 If I stayed, I would tip-toe around our mishaps, around the devastation and the lies. I would treat his name tenderly, habitually understating a version of our lives: “Oh, we just weren’t compatible. But we’re still friends.” 

Friends. That word did it for me. How can you be friends with someone who beat you? 

“I’ll go.” 

And I did. 

A few days later, I packed my car with everything I owned, and drove. I was heading to Columbus to start over. 

I gifted my now ex-husband a city I grew to love and the tradeoff was my soul. It tasted like both success and failure, bitter, salty, sweet, and decadent. I was deciding to choose me. 

The drive was full of contradictions. Feelings screamed at me as I drove: YOU’RE SO SCREWED, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? and YOU DID IT. Because that’s exactly what change is: the complete and utter destruction of our lives (the messing it up, as it were) while we begin to create in the marvelous unknown. I was standing near the cliff of tears and laughter—I don’t think I’d ever been that close. 

I’m allowed to change, grow, learn, redo, undo, and choose again, and again, and again. 

Why? Because. Simply, because. That is reason enough. 

And as I drove, I vowed the following: 

I will never date again….

Until I am ready. Until I know my heart can survive being vulnerable. 

I hate cooking….

With someone who criticizes my ever move and choice in the kitchen. Cooking is therapy, so if I want to dance it out while chopping onions and singing loudly - deal with it. 

I don’t like dancing….

With people who cannot see me. Dancing where I can be fully in my body, present with other humans, is a mighty spiritual experience and I will do it anywhere. 

And now for something completely different....

 Hi again. 

It's been a minute and a lot has changed since I used to ramble about books. 

For those of you who weren't aware, I lost mom in 2023. And if you know me at all, you know how close we were. Losing her was like taking a bullet to the heart and it has completely changed me. These past few years I've been doing the minimum to get by in life. 

Depression is a weird thing, it comes and goes in waves. When the wave hits you feel like you are drowning. But you look around and see everyone breathing, talking, and living their lives. So how can you be drowning? Wouldn't someone come to the rescue? 

You start therapy in the hopes of working through the grief. Opening up to a complete stranger is easier than talking to those who know you. You can say anything and it's OK. So I let open the floodgates. You talk about the waves crashing and drowning. You talk about how jealous you are because everyone seems to have moved on but you're still in the same space. 

Sitting in that space you learn a lot. You learn how to fake smile, laugh, and act normal. You're good at it, mastered it even at times at least until the next wave approaches. 

Eventually the waves slow down. You bop up and down with them instead of letting them drown you. Some would call this progress, at least my therapist does. 

This is where I currently am, bopping along with the waves and taking the small hits as they come along. 

Sorry to have started the first post off with such a depressive topic but it's important you know the starting point for me. Going forward this is going to be about life updates, writings I've done, and thoughts I have. 

I'm slowly starting to reenter the world. Posting on social media was the starting point and now I have this blog.

Hope you visit and hang out with me. 

Kelli 

Book Review Day!!!! RE: Kensington Books

 Happy Friday!!! 

Today is all about the book reviews and I'm featuring Kensington Books Publishing! When I first started reviewing for LikeWise, if you haven't connected with me there - what are you waiting for?!?!, Kensington was one of the first publishers I started working with! So this book review day is near and dear to my heart! 

And if you missed it, please check out my publisher appreciation post for Kensington as well! And now.....it's all about the books! 

Next Job, Best Job : available now! 

Find out more about the author here: Rob Barnett

Synopsis: Rob Barnett is an innovator, a two-time entrepreneur, and a senior executive with five decades inside legendary media companies. As an advisor to thousands of job seekers and company heads, he is uniquely positioned to disrupt the job search industry. His inclusive platform is a life-saving escape hatch during the darkest hours of unemployment and an expert guide to the work you deserve.

Review: This book found me at the perfect time, my contract ended with one company and I started looking for work again. Looking for work is stressful enough but with a pandemic added to it, the stress could be overwhelming at times. I found this book to educate, improve, and create a mindset for us to have the best opportunities! Now why is this better than other job-hunting books? Because Rob Barnett lives this on a daily basis! He is a headhunter and so, in my opinion, he is the best to inform us of the hiring process as well as what to expect! There are 11 steps that guide you through the whole process and when looking back at my interview processes, he's right. They go hand in hand and prepare you for the best possible outcome, landing your dream job, and I couldn't be more please with this book! 

Elizabeth & Monty - available now! 

Find out more about the author here: Charles Casillo

Synopsis: When Elizabeth Taylor was cast opposite Montgomery Clift in A Place in the Sun, he was already a movie idol, with a natural sensitivity that set him apart. At seventeen, Elizabeth was known for her ravishing beauty rather than her talent. Directors treated her like a glamorous prop. But Monty took her seriously, inspiring and encouraging her. In her words, "That's when I began to act."

To Monty, she was "Bessie Mae," a name he coined for her earthy, private side. The press clamored for a wedding, convinced this was more than friendship. The truth was even more complex. Monty was drawn to women but sexually attracted to men--a fact that, if made public, would destroy his career. But he found acceptance and kinship with Elizabeth. Her devotion was never clearer than after his devastating car crash near her Hollywood home when she crawled into the wreckage and saved him from choking.

Review: Golden Age of Hollywood. Elizabeth Taylor. Clifford Montgomery. Does this really need more selling? Yes? Well, okay then.....research is spot-on, intertwining their stories is magic, showcasing the privilege but also the personal misfortunes endears both to me even more, and finally - this dual-biography ties in with the anniversary of A Place in the Sun and is a must read! I grew up watching the classics, thanks Turner Classic! I wish I had known all of the background then but I'm so happy to rewatch these great movies after reading Casillo's book! 

Bee People and the Bugs They Love - available now! 

Find out more about the author here: Frank Moritmer

Synopsis: A fascinating foray into the obsessions, friendships, scientific curiosity, misfortunes and rewards of suburban beekeeping—through the eyes of a Master Beekeeper...

Who wants to keep bees? And why? For the answers, Master Beekeeper Frank Mortimer invites readers on an eye-opening journey into the secret world of bees, and the singular world of his fellow beekeepers. There's the Badger, who introduces Frank to beekeeping; Rusty, a one-eyed septuagenarian bee sting therapist certain that honey will be the currency of the future after the governments fail; Scooby the "dude" who gets a meditative high off the awesome vibes of his psychedelia-painted hives; and the Berserker, a honeybee hitman who teaches Frank a rafter-raising lesson in staving off the harmful influences of an evil queen: "Squash her, mash her, kill, kill, kill!"

Review: This book is precious!!! If you are looking for a fun, lighthearted read about someone whose passion for something is contagious - this is for you! I loved the stories, the education I received from reading this one, and just the overall warmth from this read! Oh and the mistakes and misfortunes will have you laughing!! I never thought I would laugh as much as I did while reading a book about bee keeping! I cannot recommend this one enough! 

Three Ordinary Girls - available now! 

Find out more about the author here: Tim Brady

Synopsis: Truus Oversteegen, her younger sister Freddie, and their friend Hannie Schaft, were just teenagers when the commander of The Dutch Royal Army surrendered to the Nazis.  Overnight, nine million Netherlanders were suddenly under the heel of the Nazi boot. As the German-controlled government slowly began to pen in the entire Jewish community and force them indoors, along with the requisite yellow star signifying Jood, so the girls were compelled to become involved in The Resistance. 

Review: Going into this book, there are a lot of facts and information about the setting/political dynamic/history in this book. It is needed to understand the story but i noticed some reviewers felt it was over used, this is not the case. Tim Brady includes information that is needed and interesting. Three teenagers, who are Dutch, become involved in "The Resistance" and the background of life in WWII Netherlands is on point, I research non-fiction as I read them, and the bravery of these three is amazing. If you love history, bravery, and fighting against what you know is wrong - this is for you! 

i encourage you all to check out these wonderful reads!!