Life: 20's edition

Life gives you a lot of chances to screw up, which means you have as many chances to get it right. 

Pick a path, change course. Pick another path, change course again. This defines my 20's. 

Law school. My dream. My goal. My path. Till it wasn't. 

I would love to say that I found another passion, a calling that I couldn't refuse, but I cannot. I found a boy. Suddenly his dreams and wishes became mine, and my dreams were left behind in the dust. His thoughts and words became my own, he had swallowed me whole. There was no coming back. 

We know how this story ends. No need to rehash the past mistakes. 

Columbus. New dreams. New goals. New path. 

Columbus was good to me and introduced different dreams, different goals, and a different path. Being in a college town was complicated though. I wanted to meet people in my age group but had nothing in common with them now. Divorced early 20-something, not in school, and working full-time - it was a different world. 

Before I knew it, a year had passed. A little worn, a little smarter, and a little hardened I felt prepared to face the world again. Not completely healed, that would take years, but ready to face a new challenge. 

I enrolled back in school. Moved back into the dorms, coming from an apartment that was a major adjustment. But I did it. Contrary to popular belief, I came back to school to finish the path I had started years ago. 

Education. Fresh dreams. Fresh goals, Fresh path. 

Challenging because of my age and life experience but those things made me wiser and more determined than ever. 

 The 20's end well. I graduated and went onto grad school and graduated from there as well. I turned a corner from that girl sitting in her therapist's office asking "How can I start over?" to sitting in a new therapist's office saying "I survived." 

Breaking Free

I've been thinking a lot about the past and how my past has shaped me into who I am today. One of those shaping moments was my marriage. 

Thinking about my ex-husband used to fill me with fear and I would be sick to my stomach but now, it feels like relief. Relief that I made it through and relief that I can sit here and tell this story. Even my own mother never knew how bad it truly got, I regret not telling her the complete truth. 

Part of me held back because I didn't want her to worry, and if you knew my mom - she was a worrier, and part because I couldn't stand to face the mistake I had made. 

So for this post, I want to discuss my last therapy session I had while I was still married. This was the starting point of the breaking free. 

 “You need to leave. You need to leave it all behind” My former therapist said those parting words to me. 

I was unconvinced. Leaving meant conceding, losing, letting the abuse win. He couldn’t have my city. I wouldn’t let him. I’d already given him so much. 

But was this the fight I wanted? What was left for me once everything was boxed and taped shut? What if I picked a different fight? 

What if this time I chose myself going forward? 

“I’m afraid if I stay,” I said, “that I’ll see him everywhere. We know the same people. Everyone knows us as a couple. I’m going to go out to eat, and people are going to ask me how he’s doing. What am I supposed to say? They’re going to ask me what happened.” I paused, trying to breathe deeper. “I don’t know what do to.” 

In that brief moment with thoughts swirling, rage building, and my therapist listening, my mind jumped to the bit of truth I could cling to: He didn’t kill me. 

Even though filing for divorce felt like sure death, it wasn’t. And that was something. 

 If I stayed, I would tip-toe around our mishaps, around the devastation and the lies. I would treat his name tenderly, habitually understating a version of our lives: “Oh, we just weren’t compatible. But we’re still friends.” 

Friends. That word did it for me. How can you be friends with someone who beat you? 

“I’ll go.” 

And I did. 

A few days later, I packed my car with everything I owned, and drove. I was heading to Columbus to start over. 

I gifted my now ex-husband a city I grew to love and the tradeoff was my soul. It tasted like both success and failure, bitter, salty, sweet, and decadent. I was deciding to choose me. 

The drive was full of contradictions. Feelings screamed at me as I drove: YOU’RE SO SCREWED, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? and YOU DID IT. Because that’s exactly what change is: the complete and utter destruction of our lives (the messing it up, as it were) while we begin to create in the marvelous unknown. I was standing near the cliff of tears and laughter—I don’t think I’d ever been that close. 

I’m allowed to change, grow, learn, redo, undo, and choose again, and again, and again. 

Why? Because. Simply, because. That is reason enough. 

And as I drove, I vowed the following: 

I will never date again….

Until I am ready. Until I know my heart can survive being vulnerable. 

I hate cooking….

With someone who criticizes my ever move and choice in the kitchen. Cooking is therapy, so if I want to dance it out while chopping onions and singing loudly - deal with it. 

I don’t like dancing….

With people who cannot see me. Dancing where I can be fully in my body, present with other humans, is a mighty spiritual experience and I will do it anywhere. 

And now for something completely different....

 Hi again. 

It's been a minute and a lot has changed since I used to ramble about books. 

For those of you who weren't aware, I lost mom in 2023. And if you know me at all, you know how close we were. Losing her was like taking a bullet to the heart and it has completely changed me. These past few years I've been doing the minimum to get by in life. 

Depression is a weird thing, it comes and goes in waves. When the wave hits you feel like you are drowning. But you look around and see everyone breathing, talking, and living their lives. So how can you be drowning? Wouldn't someone come to the rescue? 

You start therapy in the hopes of working through the grief. Opening up to a complete stranger is easier than talking to those who know you. You can say anything and it's OK. So I let open the floodgates. You talk about the waves crashing and drowning. You talk about how jealous you are because everyone seems to have moved on but you're still in the same space. 

Sitting in that space you learn a lot. You learn how to fake smile, laugh, and act normal. You're good at it, mastered it even at times at least until the next wave approaches. 

Eventually the waves slow down. You bop up and down with them instead of letting them drown you. Some would call this progress, at least my therapist does. 

This is where I currently am, bopping along with the waves and taking the small hits as they come along. 

Sorry to have started the first post off with such a depressive topic but it's important you know the starting point for me. Going forward this is going to be about life updates, writings I've done, and thoughts I have. 

I'm slowly starting to reenter the world. Posting on social media was the starting point and now I have this blog.

Hope you visit and hang out with me. 

Kelli 

Publisher Appreciation Post!!! RE: Turner Publishing

 This week's appreciation post is near and dear to my heart. Because of Turner Publishing, I discovered what will be among my TOP 5 reads of 2021, "Paradise, W.V."

Turner Bookstore!

Please be sure to check out my review of "Paradise, W.V." and here is the link to order your own copy: 

Paradise, W.V. - I cannot say enough about this read, and to be honest - it was not a pick I would normally have picked up in a bookstore, which makes my appreciation of Turner even greater! Opening up to new reads is one of the reasons I chose to promote/host for LikeWise, I wanted to open myself up to new genres! I'm so happy I did, and I guarantee you will not be disappointed! 

A bit about Turner: 

Turner Publishing Company is an award-winning, independent publisher of books. The company is in the top 101 independent publishing companies in the U.S. as compiled by Bookmarket.com and has been named five times to Publishers Weekly's Fastest Growing Publishers List. Todd Bottorff, President and Publisher, was featured on the cover of Publisher’s Weekly in March 2009 after being named to their fastest growing publisher list.

Here are some of the amazing titles Turner has gifted me for promotion/review! 

Mental Fitness -Achieve a balanced mood, clear thinking, and abundant energy through transformative methods based on groundbreaking research on the gut-heart-brain-axis.

The Son of Abraham -The Son of Abraham is an immersive, haunting, touching story about family, love, and the supernatural. Kathleen Kaufman has woven a tapestry of original entities, visceral setting, and dark magical wonder that is equally unsettling and hopeful. A powerful read. ―Richard Thomas, author of Disintegration, and Breaker (Thriller Award nominee)

Is Your Life Successful? - Am I living my life to the fullest? It’s a question we all ask ourselves, yet there is no universal answer. In Is Your Life Successful?, Dr. Frank Boehm guides readers through an entertaining, insightful, and ultimately hopeful exploration of life’s joy and hardships. Through years of interviews, Boehm curated more than 200 stories from people spanning all ages and backgrounds. Enjoy stories from figures like former Senator Bob Corker and singer-songwriter Tanya Tucker to nurses, lawyers, Uber drivers, those with special needs, people experiencing homelessness, and more.

The Secret of Rainy Days - Like the best Southern novels, The Secret of Rainy Days reminds us when searching for your place in the world, you may find it where you least expect it. And that sometimes to move forward, you have to go back to where you came from. ―Colleen Oakley, USA Today bestselling author

No Hiding in Boise - A July 2021 INDIE NEXT Pick "With this novel, Kim Hooper has created magic from the seemingly impossible. In her hands, the gossamer threads that tie three perfect strangers to each other following a shared tragedy, become nothing less than a transformative bond of human connection. Honest, brave, messy and unsparing, her characters are fearless pioneers in the darkness, and ultimately shed light for us on the most precious gift of all…life after loss. –Brad Silberling, Writer/Director of Moonlight Mile, Director of City of Angels 

The Hive - The Hive by Melissa Scholes Young is real and raw, and will pin you back in your seat. It’s a powerful portrait of a family coming to terms with a changing world that some are ready for, and others are not. The Fehler family is beautifully rendered in their messy complexity―flawed, tragic, and hopeful, all at once. I loved it. ―Alex George, author of The Paris Hours

All the Love - The tumultuous feelings that accompany pregnancy loss are hard to describe, and women who experience this often feel terribly alone in their grief. But All the Love, written by three wise and compassionate women, offers much-needed understanding, consolation, wisdom, and hope. Its heartfelt and caring message will provide solace and guidance to those who have lost babies as well as those who seek to support them. –Christine Gross-Loh Author, Parenting Without Borders and co-author, The Path

I hope you will order these titles from Turner and support publishers/authors! I love working with these publishers who appreciation posts have inspired my book-friends and others to order! If you order please let me know, I'm always looking for book-talk!!